Boundaries and Limits:

I think there are allot of misconceptions concerning setting limits and boundaries for children. Many feel it is far too restrictive to place any on their children yet others have too many and our over bearing. Neither approach is healthy.  The purpose of boundaries and limits are to provide safety physically, emotional and spiritually for our children.  They enable us to train and equip them to be able to keep themselves safe physically emotionally and spiritually as well. One way of thinking about it is in terms of a fence with a gate. The fence is designed to keep safe things in and unsafe things out. The gate serves to allow the safe in and when needed send the unsafe out. Children need to be taught to receive the word NO and be able to use it to maintain there safety as well.

Boundaries and limits work together but they are not the same thing.  By definition boundaries are areas that are marked off indicating where something starts and stops.  Limits are the restriction within the boundaries.  As a way of illustration, lets use the road and the rules of the road to help us understand boundaries and limits.

The road represents our marked off area or boundaries.

The road signs represent restrictions within the boundary or limits.

Boundaries and limits should both be age appropriate and should grow with the child.  Boundaries enable us to put controls on the environment not on the child.

Boundaries build:

¡     Responsibility

¡     Self-Control/Discipline

¡     Strong Self-Image

¡     Self-respect

¡     Healthy Relationships

¡     Character

¡     Respect for Others

¡     Security

¡     Safe People

Boundaries are established through routines, problem ownership, and consistency and follow through.

Limits are set on:

Ø      Feelings/Emotions

Ø      Thoughts/Attitudes

Ø      Behaviors

Ø      Wants/ Needs

Ø      Time

Ø      Values

Ø      Information

Ø      Entertainment

Ø      Physical Space

Limits are set by our parenting style and maintained through

Ø      EFFECITIVE COMUNICATION

Ø      REFLECTIVE LISTENING

Ø      Body Language / Tone of voice

Ø      Example

Ø      Giving Safe Choices

Ø      Using Natural & Logical Consequences

Ø      Supporting Not Enabling

Ø      Family Meetings

Limits allow us to train our child to respect themselves and others. They enable us to control situations and teach our children how to handle themselves in the situations.

Parenting with Love

     We are role models for our children.  We can not ask form them something we ourselves are unwilling to do.  Our parenting should always be done through a motivation of love.  Each day I take the time to cultivate love first in myself then in my children.

     What dictates my behavior is love.  Not just my love for them but to them as a gift. It isn’t earned; it’s not a privilege it is a right and a need for all of us to love and to be loved.

With this as my foundation I can deal with the challenges of parenting like a pro, without being moved by the situation at hand or the reactions my children my have to my rules, boundaries or consequences. 

              Foundational truths:

     Love is patient therefore I am patient

     Love is Kind therefore I am kind

     Love is not easily angered therefore I am not easily angered.

      Love does not fail it endures therefore I do not fail I endure.

The only parenting style that operates in love rather then selfishness is the Assertive Approach.

          Being motivated by love enables me to stay consistent in my parenting style and to utilize each interaction with my child through out the day to train and develop their emotional and moral intelligence. 

          King Solomon stated it perfectly:  “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.”

          Be generous in love towards your children. In time they will return it to you.

I know all this sounds great on paper (ok on the computer screen) but need some tools to cultivate in your homes.  Dealing with sibling rivalry?  Faced with demanding power struggles?  Leave your comments and questions we will address them with solution that work!

Parenting Styles:

Parenting like a pro requires you to have all the tools you need at your finger tips to get the job done right.  Your parenting style can work against you and your child’s relationship, as well as your goals for training your child’s behavior.  In fact, your parenting style can be setting in misbehavior patterns much like heat sets in a stain.  Yep it’s true if we spent more time changing and controlling our style of parenting rather then controlling and changing our children we would set the stage to motivate them to change themselves. We can’t ever make our job as parents easy but we can become more efficient at our jobs which certainly will produce better results for our efforts.

            As you review the common styles of parenting and identify which style you parent in, take the time to consider what your style teaches your child.  Understand that style is referring to your body language, facial expressions, tone of voice and the words you use. 

Three Parenting Styles:

1. Authoritarian = Drill Sergeant Approach  

Ø     The use of commands & demands 

Child Learns:

·        Fear / Resentment

·        Not to Think for Themselves

·        Feels Helpless

·        Lacks Self-Control

·        To manipulate and lie

·        A Push back response

·        Trust is under developed

They may be obedient and skillful but they rank low in happiness, social competence and self-esteem and as a rule they deal with a lot of anger.

2. Permissive = Giving in Approach

Ø     The use of Disconnected or Inconsistent messages

Child Learns:

• They do not have to be Responsible
• Little to No problem solving skills
• Difficulty Getting Along With Others
• That No means Maybe
• To Manipulate
• That wants and needs are the same
• Unhealthy Boundaries

These children have the most trouble with self- regulating behavior and submitting to authority.  Their achievement in school has a propensity to be poor. I strongly hold the opinion that this parenting style produces bullies. 

3. Assertive/Democratic = Coaching Approach

Ø     The use of Giving choices

Child Learns:

• Problem Solving Skills
• To Be Responsible
•  Respect for Self and Others
•  Cooperation
•  Healthy boundaries
•  Clarity of wants vs. needs

These children are content, well balanced, capable and successful.

          Multitudes of studies have been done to authenticate the impact of parenting styles on children.  After reviewing this information I am sure you would conclude as I have, that making some adjustments in how we interact with our children would be a great gift to both parent and child.  Consider your parenting style as your tool box in which all your discipline techniques rest in. 

To learn more about the methods of the Assertive / democratic parenting style and to refine your skills consider attending one of my classes as well as following the blog.

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